The Most Damaging Parenting Habit, According to a Leading Psychologist

April 24, 2026 - 04:24

When asked to identify the most toxic parenting behavior, clinical psychologist Dr. Shefali Tsabary delivered a response that has sparked widespread conversation. In a discussion with author and speaker Mel Robbins, Dr. Tsabary pinpointed a habit so pervasive that many parents fail to recognize its harm: conditional love.

Dr. Tsabary explained that conditional love manifests when parents offer affection, approval, or attention only when a child meets specific expectations—such as achieving high grades, behaving perfectly, or excelling in extracurricular activities. This creates a dynamic where children feel their worth is contingent on performance rather than inherent value. Over time, this can lead to deep-seated anxiety, low self-esteem, and a relentless need for external validation.

The psychologist emphasized that this behavior is far more common than most parents realize. It often stems from well-intentioned desires to motivate children or prepare them for a competitive world. However, the unintended consequence is that children internalize the message that they are only lovable when they succeed. Dr. Tsabary urged parents to shift toward unconditional acceptance, where love is constant regardless of outcomes. This approach, she noted, fosters resilience and authentic self-worth.

The revelation has resonated with many parents who now recognize subtle patterns in their own interactions. Dr. Tsabary’s advice is clear: break the cycle by separating a child’s behavior from their identity, and prioritize connection over control.